Okay, so maybe I'm being a little over-ambitious tonight, or perhaps I just have SO much to talk about when it comes to my miserable work life. Or, it could simply mean I really have no "life" outside of the interwebs and work. Either way, I was taking care of some business in the bathroom (i.e., pooping), where all great ideas come from, and the thought suddenly struck me...
"Crap. (No pun intended) I've got payroll tomorrow."
So that got me thinking about how I could adequately express the nightmare that has become payroll. Because, really, this nightmare of mine would take more than an 800 page description by Stephen King to properly convey the 4+ days of hell I experience each month.
It would take an inordinate amount of time explaining "bargaining units", "flex-schedules", and how to properly calculate over-time when the work week is only 37.5 hours instead of the normal 40. And I'm pretty sure your eyes glazed over when I typed out "bargaining units".
I can tell you that there are strict deadlines for payroll, deadlines that no one seems to care about. No one cares about the deadlines because they get paid no matter when they turn in their time sheets or leave slips. Deadlines that no one else cares about because they aren't the one getting the angry phone call from the people in the capital who cut the checks, wondering why shit hasn't been done yet.
These are the same people who make payroll such a nightmare. Such as the people who have had "alternate work-weeks" for years and STILL don't know how to figure out their schedules. These are the people that send me their time sheets before they submit them TO ME, so I can review, revise and send back to them so they can then submit them.... TO ME!
This is normally where I would say "shoot me in the fucking face!" I use that expression a lot. Apparently, I would really rather be shot in the face than deal with these idiots. Of course, I can say this, having never actually been shot anywhere on my body, let alone my face.
Because I know for a fact that there are going to be at least 2 supervisors that are going to wait until the last possible second to submit time sheets, I've gotten in the habit of telling them these are due at least a full day before they actually are. Yet somehow, I still find myself staying late (uncompensated over-time, by the way), in order to ensure I can be the easiest department the capital people have to deal with.
What kills me about payroll is that I've been doing it for a little over a year now, and suddenly I'm the "go-to" person in our department. The chick ( a.k.a The Jogger - more on that later!) who had previously done payroll for quite some time, seems to have completely forgotten the process. I guess that's what happens when you ass-kiss your way into the 4th highest position in the department. You're given liberty to "forget" how to do shit. (This is especially true if you happen to have an iPhone, an iPad, or some other electronic gadget that you can roam around the office playing on while pretending to do actual work!)
I have no idea how many different ways I can state "Do not put your social security number on time sheets or leave slips. Use your employee number!" before the rest of the staff finally, FINALLY understands this concept!
I can't quite figure out the proper wording for "If you didn't work that day, do not put any hours in that day's In/Out section" either. I mean it seems fairly obvious to me what those words translate to... But then again, I'm not the one with the college degree, am I?
And I really wish that when these Bumbling Idiots (BI) get all pissy because I'm "hogging" the Xerox WorkCentre when I scan payroll to the capital that I could respond with "Fine. Cancel the damn job. But you won't get paid on time if you do!" I do payroll for over 120 employees, and when you take into consideration that at least half the staff has taken at least one day off in the past 2 weeks (which means those damn pesky leave slips), I'm scanning at least a 180 page document to our Capital People (CP). It's going to take a little bit. So either take your document to one of the other 5 WorkCentres we have, or go back to your office, do some work for once, and for the love all things Administrative, shut your fucking word hole.
One other point of contention here... And this is a topic you will most likely be seeing a LOT of reading material on, is the front desk coverage. Considering that payroll is an extremely time sensitive task, and it's on the top of the priority list (not mention that it's NOT MY JOB TO BACK UP THE FRONT DESK), you would think that these BI would get that and NOT have me back up the front desk on these particular days. But then again, if the understood that simple concept, they wouldn't really qualify under the BI category either, now would they?
Knowing that I have this awesomely fun task ahead of me tomorrow... Well, let's just say the fact that it's Friday is all that's keeping me from punching someone in the baby maker.
Well, now that I've had my sleeping pill induced payroll rant.... I'm off to hit the pillow instead of the keyboard (for the first time in a long time, my head has something to be thankful for)!
~GG
"Crap. (No pun intended) I've got payroll tomorrow."
So that got me thinking about how I could adequately express the nightmare that has become payroll. Because, really, this nightmare of mine would take more than an 800 page description by Stephen King to properly convey the 4+ days of hell I experience each month.
It would take an inordinate amount of time explaining "bargaining units", "flex-schedules", and how to properly calculate over-time when the work week is only 37.5 hours instead of the normal 40. And I'm pretty sure your eyes glazed over when I typed out "bargaining units".
I can tell you that there are strict deadlines for payroll, deadlines that no one seems to care about. No one cares about the deadlines because they get paid no matter when they turn in their time sheets or leave slips. Deadlines that no one else cares about because they aren't the one getting the angry phone call from the people in the capital who cut the checks, wondering why shit hasn't been done yet.
These are the same people who make payroll such a nightmare. Such as the people who have had "alternate work-weeks" for years and STILL don't know how to figure out their schedules. These are the people that send me their time sheets before they submit them TO ME, so I can review, revise and send back to them so they can then submit them.... TO ME!
This is normally where I would say "shoot me in the fucking face!" I use that expression a lot. Apparently, I would really rather be shot in the face than deal with these idiots. Of course, I can say this, having never actually been shot anywhere on my body, let alone my face.
Because I know for a fact that there are going to be at least 2 supervisors that are going to wait until the last possible second to submit time sheets, I've gotten in the habit of telling them these are due at least a full day before they actually are. Yet somehow, I still find myself staying late (uncompensated over-time, by the way), in order to ensure I can be the easiest department the capital people have to deal with.
What kills me about payroll is that I've been doing it for a little over a year now, and suddenly I'm the "go-to" person in our department. The chick ( a.k.a The Jogger - more on that later!) who had previously done payroll for quite some time, seems to have completely forgotten the process. I guess that's what happens when you ass-kiss your way into the 4th highest position in the department. You're given liberty to "forget" how to do shit. (This is especially true if you happen to have an iPhone, an iPad, or some other electronic gadget that you can roam around the office playing on while pretending to do actual work!)
I have no idea how many different ways I can state "Do not put your social security number on time sheets or leave slips. Use your employee number!" before the rest of the staff finally, FINALLY understands this concept!
I can't quite figure out the proper wording for "If you didn't work that day, do not put any hours in that day's In/Out section" either. I mean it seems fairly obvious to me what those words translate to... But then again, I'm not the one with the college degree, am I?
And I really wish that when these Bumbling Idiots (BI) get all pissy because I'm "hogging" the Xerox WorkCentre when I scan payroll to the capital that I could respond with "Fine. Cancel the damn job. But you won't get paid on time if you do!" I do payroll for over 120 employees, and when you take into consideration that at least half the staff has taken at least one day off in the past 2 weeks (which means those damn pesky leave slips), I'm scanning at least a 180 page document to our Capital People (CP). It's going to take a little bit. So either take your document to one of the other 5 WorkCentres we have, or go back to your office, do some work for once, and for the love all things Administrative, shut your fucking word hole.
One other point of contention here... And this is a topic you will most likely be seeing a LOT of reading material on, is the front desk coverage. Considering that payroll is an extremely time sensitive task, and it's on the top of the priority list (not mention that it's NOT MY JOB TO BACK UP THE FRONT DESK), you would think that these BI would get that and NOT have me back up the front desk on these particular days. But then again, if the understood that simple concept, they wouldn't really qualify under the BI category either, now would they?
Knowing that I have this awesomely fun task ahead of me tomorrow... Well, let's just say the fact that it's Friday is all that's keeping me from punching someone in the baby maker.
Well, now that I've had my sleeping pill induced payroll rant.... I'm off to hit the pillow instead of the keyboard (for the first time in a long time, my head has something to be thankful for)!
~GG
I could have sworn there was that one time when I shot you in the face... could have been someone else, though.
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